Today was a very well interesting day. Definitely a lot happened. The morning wasn’t too special, basically the usual deal. But right at the beginning of homeroom, while I was at my locker, I saw Devon. He saw me and said, “Hey I see both your eyes this time. Yes!” He then immediately went to a more serious question. “Wait so were you actually serious?” (Why is it so hard to believe me?) “Yes.” He was shocked and was telling em he really couldn’t believe that I was actually gay. “Why is it so wrong to you?” I kept asking him. He just never expected me to be this way, and said the he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. Really?

Then on our way to Latin he said that it was part of his religion to keep me away from him. To which I explained, “If you really are that religious, then you know that God created people. So then if he made me, then he made me gay.” He seemed to just forget this statement and continue to hate me.

Though it seems he’s not the only one Devon had disappointed today. Apparently he was supposed to dress up in a nice shirt and tie today, but Devon decided not to, so Dan would now stand out very well in a crowd. So me and him went the whole day mad at Devon. Dan was constantly yelling at him and I was trying to make him feel as guilty as possible. Dan was okay with my sexuality which I found to be incredibly nice of him. so now 2 out fo 3 guys I told are okay.

We then went to gym, where we continued basketball where I hung out again with Brian and Jacob/Sunshine. I am starting to get bored of Brian seeing as he and I will never be. And come to think of it, I think I may be interested in Sunshine. Whenever he looked at me while we were playing basketball, he always gave me a sweet smile. SO at the end of gym, I just decided to ask him, not afraid of the consequences. “So Jacob, can I ask you something? I just wanna know. do you like boys?” He seemed to giggle at this, and kept procrastinating to reply. I kept badgering him for an answer to which he finally said, “No.” However I didn’t give up hope because he dropped so many hints that he wasn’t telling the truth. He kept giggling, he waited so long to reply, and said it in such an unsure and embarrassed tone that would’ve made any courtroom roll their eyes.

The rest of the day just flew by but English class was something. We continued to read The Giver and today we read an interesting section. It read about the main character, Jonas, having a dream about his crush on a girl. It described him at the House of the Old, which was a retirement home for the elderly. Him and the girl, Fiona, were there alone. There was one bath. Jonas wanted Fiona to get in the bath, saying he even wanted her to take her clothes off and let him scrub her (Be mature). It was described as ‘Stirrings’.

It got me thinking of when I got these ‘Stirrings’ for the first time. It made me realize when I truly liked guys and was very lonely. It was actually not too long ago I had this dream. It was me in this cold and dark room. The room had a black floor with a black ceiling, and white painted walls. Blank. There was a crowd of kids around my age. Everyone was dressed in black with white pants. We were looking around and there was this voice on a  loudspeaker. He said, “Do whatever you want.” Everyone looked around to find a partner, and there was this one kid. He had black wavy hair and a very cute face. About as tall as me and with a blank expression on his face. He had to be one of the cutest guys I had ever seen. Yet it was strange that of all the people in my dream, there were no familiar faces. So, he had me be his partner and I agreed. Apparently “whatever you want” meant to hit it off. But then after the words were said, everyone just walked away. All gone. Leaving me. I followed, and took a look back to find a group still together, showing me what I was left from.

Ever since that dream I have never felt so needy of a relationship and wanting of company. Somehow all I have been thinking were similar feelings to Jonas about some boys. I knew I was gay but now I was wanting, just like Jonas said he was wanting Fiona so badly. I had never been so upset in my entire life. I was alone, and that dream had told me crystal clear.

At the end of the day I met up with Devon again. He told me that he understood my ways, and that it was my decision. However, he said something involving his religion, and it goes as follows: “Do not be of the world.” He was actually trying to say, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world.” He wanted to tell me to be on with god and not the culture of society. I understood now that he had just learned to follow his religion, and he really didn’t have a problem with me after thinking about it. After our talk he just said that it was hard to adjust because he never had a gay friend, and it was different. I told him that our lives really shouldn’t have changed because of the way I am. But at least we worked it out.

Later that day, when I came home from school, there was Chinese food on the table. I ate a plate of spare ribs and wantons and after that, I saw a fortune cookie. So of course I opened it up, and read the message: “A difference, to be a difference, must make a difference.” I thought about it, and realized that that was how Devon was feeling about this. I said it shouldn’t have made a difference in our friendship whether I was gay or not, but it does. THis is something very unusual to him and it is different, so it makes things different.

I now fully understand how Devon feels about this, and am glad that he is acting perfectly normal to this.

Love.

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