I had a pretty rough morning seeing as I didn’t do my homework last night and worked on it all morning on the bus and at breakfast. I can be so lazy at times. At breakfast, however, Ricky wasn’t making any joking gay jokes like he and Andrew said they would be doing. So I turn to him and say, “Ya know Ricky you haven’t made any fag jokes today.” And he apparently wasn’t doing it because the kid across from us, Mark, didn’t know. This came off as a bit odd seeing as Ben had told me that Mark was the one who told him. We ended up telling Mark, and he was totally cool with it. Ricky then said that Frankie had told this girl Taylor that I said I would fuck him, and then Taylor shouted it for the whole bus to hear. I cursed her name a few times and then decided to just forget it.

The day started with Science, which was a deal of interesting. We were supposed to make an insulation container for a soda can that would be filled with hot water. And Rita brought the greatest tool of them all to class. Duct Tape. Oh my favorite of all adhesives. All I really wanted to do the whole day was play with it, and I did. I ended up getting a piece stuck to my shoulder by Shaira, two rings around my forearm, and one piece around my middle finger.

Next was history, then Latin, in which I forgot my homework for about the seventh time in a row. Then we had an encore study, which ended up being quite painful. When I first walked in Frankie said to me, “Hey Christian you wanna go out?” I knew he was joking so I played along. “Sure.” He then got all nervous and said, “Whoa. Uuh… never mind.” Amazing, I had a boyfriend for about seven seconds. He kept on bragging that I liked him that way for the whole period.

I got some work done as usual, then these three girls came over and started talking to me. They noticed the duct tape and got worried that it was going to cut off the circulation. I didn’t want to take it off though because it was going to hurt like hell. But I ended up doing it anyway. I asked Frankie if he wanted to do it but he refused, so I had to do it myself. I grabbed the piece on my arm and began to pull. I kept going until it began to hurt, and then when it did, I ripped it as hard as I could.

“Aah! Fuck your mother in the ass with a screwdriver!” I shouted loud enough for everyone to hear, and then burst into laughter. The teacher didn’t though so we were in the clear. Frankie then offered to pull off the second one seeing as he wanted to make me cry. But don’t take it the wrong way, he’s not a sick bastard like that. After the rip, I shouted again. “Aargh you son of a—” This was followed again by laughter.

We had the usual laughter in maths, and the further questioning at lunch. English was next, and then SOAR, which is just an extra period at the end of Thursday. I signed up for wiffle ball, along with Dildo Doug, Frankie, and their friend Sam. Doug wasn’t there however, probably got busted for doing something stupid, as the teacher suggested. I played at first base. When Frankie made it to first he said to me behind my back, “Hey ****. Nice ass.” I had a few giggles and responded with, “Thank you. I’m glad you admire it.”

My day ends with a lonely, rainy bus ride home with my headphones. I have hockey later and if anything happens I’ll post it here. Probably won’t though.



My hair was finally back to normal today and was straightened to almost perfection. Perfection was a couple days ago. I went through the usual routine, except for this time I stayed at breakfast for longer so I could hang with Ricky. He decided not to talk about our discussion with the lunch because of the people around us. I decided to leave a little before school so I could still say hello to Amanda and Venus and walk into school with them. They greeted me with the usual hug, of course with extra hugs from Amanda. We walked in, taking a route that goes with us walking through the 7th grade hallway, which I blended in fine with seeing as they were just as tall as most of the 8th graders. We then parted at the end of the hallway with hugs, and I walked up the staircase next to me to our hallway.

The day started with Latin, which Devon is still absent from for whatever reason, then FACS class, in which we finally got to make the cookies. It ended up being just me and Sam there so we each got 11 cookies! Way too much for one sitting, so we each had 4 and brought the rest home. We decided to take them one at a time for size reasons. It felt sort of like a mafia deal. The teacher actually let us take them to lunch which was cool. But I forgot and decided to get them at the end of the day. I was trying to get Sam to beg for his pencil back after we were done cooking and were allowed to do our homework. Ricky had begged for a pencil the other day and it was just the cutest thing, but Sam said he had no intention of being my sexual thrill. LOL.

In English we finally read more of The Giver which I have been waiting forever to do. Too bad we stopped when the story was getting interesting, but they do it on purpose. And when we got to lunch, the weirdness began.

I went to the lunch table and sat down with my lunch like all was normal, and then I was further questioned throughout the whole lunch period. It started with Frankie asking me (and my answers to all the following were ‘yes’), “Are you really gay?” “So you like boys?” “So you like penis?” I had a bit of giggles on the last one seeing as I never really talked to anyone like that before. Then there were more questions from everyone like “Would you fuck him” or “If I was gay would you go out with me?” Most of the questions were like, “If you could have anyone at this table who would it be?” then one out of the whole school. Most of my answers were Frankie, which really made him feel uncomfortable. We had so many laughs and I was actually completely honest for everything. Yesterday when I told them there was a vote to get me out of the table. It ended up me staying but I would’ve stayed even if everyone hated me. Now the vote was called again, and this time no one voted for me to leave, not even Dipshit Doug, which came as a surprise.

So everything is going okay with them. And the rest of the day was easy sailing. History in which I tried once again to get Sam to beg, which I came close to. Then Math which was the usual fun-with-friends-while-working-somewhat class.

Things seem to be going so great, yet I feel something is going to go wrong soon. Always does.


Today surely had an unexpected surprise. Definitely not how I had thought it would’ve happened. But we should start at the beginning. I started off with an awful hair day with me not being able to straighten it very well. I apparently used a different shampoo in the shower last night (I have to shower the night before because the mornings are far too busy for our family of 7) and that had made my hair frizzy and unable to be straightened.

The day at school started with me having to skip math in order to take the National Latin Exam. Cool name, huh? Cost me four bucks to take it. It went pretty well actually. I can’t remember exactly what happens if you do good enough on the test, but it probably won’t happen seeing as I guessed on a lot of the questions. It’s okay, there were a lot of cool people there.

We started cooking, FINALLY, in our FACS class today. We were making cookies to get back to the basics. It was ‘oodles’ of fun with me and one of my best friends Sam always trying to sneak our fingers in the mixing bowl and take a bit of dough. Before we put the flour in I must say the mixture looked like vomit. I’ll have to remember that one. We had a good time with the girls in our group always telling us to stop with the licking of the bowl. We didn’t get to bake them today but we will get to tomorrow.

Lunch is where it got interesting. Right when I sat down I got asked by this kid Andrew, (who is really big and tough. You wouldn’t want to get on his bad side) if I straightened my hair again. I said yes, like it was nothing. He then asked me, “So what are you, gay?” I figured it was about time they knew. “You know I should probably just tell you guys but yeah.” they all had their giggles and then my best friend Ricky asked, “Wait are you really?” I said yes again and then the conversation began. Andrew started by joking that I should leave, and of course Dickfer Doug was going to mock me. It was okay though since he seemed like a real ass being the only one making fun of me. Some of the questions were as followed:

Ricky: So do you feel offended when people call you gay?

Me: Actually it hurts a lot less than if it were a straight person seeing as I am gay and it only hurts as much as calling me a human being.

Frankie: Wait so you REALLY are gay?

Me: Yeah

*Frankie giggles after that but I know he’s not an ass. He’s just a tool for Doug which I kind of look down on.

Jayquon: I remember having a gay friend at my old school. Your totally cool with me because if I wasn’t me and my friend couldn’t be friends anymore and we’re really tight.

Andrew: Do your parents know?

Me: No. My mom I know will be cool with it if I do tell her but my did isn’t around too much for me to know if he will or not.

Andrew also said that he would have my back if I was getting any trouble from people which could be helpful when we go to Minuteman. I always thought that this was going to be that hardest thing for me to do, coming out to these friends. They all seemed like the kind of people who would shun me out from their lives for me being this way. But they actually understood and I thought it was really great of them to care.

Now word is spreading though because Ricky says Andrew is the blabbermouth type. I think he was right because word got to my buddy Mark and Ben from Latin class as far as I know. As long as he doesn’t tell this guy Tom in our grade. He’s the type that would try and use this to ruin my life because he’s just that kind of sick bastard who gets a kick out of other people’s misery. So as I was walking down the hall I passed Andrew and said to him, “Just don’t let Tom **** know.”

The hard part is over now. I can just cruise along.


Today was not the luckiest day for me. And it started off with some bad news from Brian. After breakfast I wanted to stay with Rita and her friend Ian. After a while of talking they went off and I was alone with Brian. He looked at me and said, “So I figured out I’m taking a week off before I leave so I can still have my Spring break.” Now Brian was leaving even sooner than he was, and it was already bad enough with him leaving in the first place. So my day was already off to a bad start.

Devon wasn’t here today which was a bit of a bummer because I wanted to see how he was doing with the whole me coming out o him thing and if he was still cool after our talk on Friday. I guess I’ll see him tomorrow. I really just hope he doesn’t give me his I’m-thinking-serious-thoughts-about-you Devon look that I sometimes get from him. He stares right at you and puts on an almost smile but still unhappy face which confuses the hell out of me.

Later in homeroom I realized that I had forgotten to put my permission slip in my backpack that was for a field trip to Boston. Thank god I was able to get one more day to get it in but if I screw up again I not only will be missing the field trip, but also having to explain to my mother why I was so irresponsible. I also ended up miss only one math problem on my assignment that was for homework and my sheet was marked as incomplete for the 9th time this term.

I was also getting more compliments, or should I say comments, on my new hair. At the beginning of the day a couple friends were saying, “Did you straighten your hair? Oh it looks nice.” At lunch however I had gotten a few from the ‘asses’ saying, “****” (last names will look like this. People like to call me by my last name.) “What’s up with your hair? It’s so gay.” To which I was thinking, “Yes. Yes it is.” You know, actually being gay makes the insult hurt a lot less when I think about it.

In History my bad luck continued. I had my essay on Lorenzo Ghiberti all set but I thought this was only a due date for a rough draft seeing as we never wrote an official rough draft like we always do. But apparently we needed the whole project today. I brought in my report, but I didn’t have my cover sheet or my bibliography. So now I will be turning in my incredibly hardly worked on essay late tomorrow. It was definitely a bummer since this report counts toward both my History class for the content and my English class for the writing quality. So I screwed up double with that one.

If anyone read earlier posts you would know I had written the words, “What’s wrong with liking other boys?” on the bathroom stall a little while ago. Well today, I finally got a reply on the wall. It read as followed:

“You, my friend, are a fag.” Don’t worry there are a few good things out of this. For one he used the proper punctuation and spelled everything right in that sentence. That’s also got to be the first time anyone has ever used the word ‘fag’ properly. I always thought it had lost it’s meaning and people just used it as a general term for stupid people like ‘retard’. It wasn’t too bad. I knew if anyone was going to reply to that it was going to probably be an insult. I hope they get my reply: “And? You say it like it’s wrong.” Honestly I don’t see what the big deal is with people.

I also got a comment from Frankie saying I had ’emo’ hair. So? His haircut reminds me of a bug. That may just be his eyes though. They remind me of ice. Definitely some of the cutest I’ve ever seen. And maybe that’s what I was striving for. It’s better than my past hair style. My hair looked like a vase surrounding my head. So who cares if I lok odd to people. I love my hair. It’s different.

My Skullcrushers ran out of battery today as well so I listened to my music without bass boost which made it sound really bad. Hardly worth listening to. We don’t have batteries at home either so I have to suck it up for a while, and I can’t live without my music. Before we got on the bus these 7th graders commented on my headphones, calling them earmuffs making me feel like shit. As well as my earring and ’emo’ hair. So they pretty much trashed my whole look. I felt stupid.

I then later that day had to play a hockey game with dull skates. I actually played a pretty good game. I didn’t let in any goals on net. The other goalie did though and the game ended up a tie of 1-1. I’m surprised that I didn’t let any goals in tonight, though since i was a little distracted. A player on our team, Jack, had invited his little brother Will to play for us tonight. He looked absolutely perfect. He had the cutest little innocent face, sparkling blue eyes and a neat head of golden blond hair. I found it pretty strange of him to keep looking at me while I was getting dressed, then looking away when I saw him watching, but not quick enough…

Look alike of Will

And now I am home and am preparing for a hopefully not so dreadful tomorrow. I think our school progress reports are coming and I know I’m not doing so well. Thankfully my dad wouldn’t take away the computer because I still need it for school. But my Xbox can say bye-bye.


Today was a very well interesting day. Definitely a lot happened. The morning wasn’t too special, basically the usual deal. But right at the beginning of homeroom, while I was at my locker, I saw Devon. He saw me and said, “Hey I see both your eyes this time. Yes!” He then immediately went to a more serious question. “Wait so were you actually serious?” (Why is it so hard to believe me?) “Yes.” He was shocked and was telling em he really couldn’t believe that I was actually gay. “Why is it so wrong to you?” I kept asking him. He just never expected me to be this way, and said the he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. Really?

Then on our way to Latin he said that it was part of his religion to keep me away from him. To which I explained, “If you really are that religious, then you know that God created people. So then if he made me, then he made me gay.” He seemed to just forget this statement and continue to hate me.

Though it seems he’s not the only one Devon had disappointed today. Apparently he was supposed to dress up in a nice shirt and tie today, but Devon decided not to, so Dan would now stand out very well in a crowd. So me and him went the whole day mad at Devon. Dan was constantly yelling at him and I was trying to make him feel as guilty as possible. Dan was okay with my sexuality which I found to be incredibly nice of him. so now 2 out fo 3 guys I told are okay.

We then went to gym, where we continued basketball where I hung out again with Brian and Jacob/Sunshine. I am starting to get bored of Brian seeing as he and I will never be. And come to think of it, I think I may be interested in Sunshine. Whenever he looked at me while we were playing basketball, he always gave me a sweet smile. SO at the end of gym, I just decided to ask him, not afraid of the consequences. “So Jacob, can I ask you something? I just wanna know. do you like boys?” He seemed to giggle at this, and kept procrastinating to reply. I kept badgering him for an answer to which he finally said, “No.” However I didn’t give up hope because he dropped so many hints that he wasn’t telling the truth. He kept giggling, he waited so long to reply, and said it in such an unsure and embarrassed tone that would’ve made any courtroom roll their eyes.

The rest of the day just flew by but English class was something. We continued to read The Giver and today we read an interesting section. It read about the main character, Jonas, having a dream about his crush on a girl. It described him at the House of the Old, which was a retirement home for the elderly. Him and the girl, Fiona, were there alone. There was one bath. Jonas wanted Fiona to get in the bath, saying he even wanted her to take her clothes off and let him scrub her (Be mature). It was described as ‘Stirrings’.

It got me thinking of when I got these ‘Stirrings’ for the first time. It made me realize when I truly liked guys and was very lonely. It was actually not too long ago I had this dream. It was me in this cold and dark room. The room had a black floor with a black ceiling, and white painted walls. Blank. There was a crowd of kids around my age. Everyone was dressed in black with white pants. We were looking around and there was this voice on a  loudspeaker. He said, “Do whatever you want.” Everyone looked around to find a partner, and there was this one kid. He had black wavy hair and a very cute face. About as tall as me and with a blank expression on his face. He had to be one of the cutest guys I had ever seen. Yet it was strange that of all the people in my dream, there were no familiar faces. So, he had me be his partner and I agreed. Apparently “whatever you want” meant to hit it off. But then after the words were said, everyone just walked away. All gone. Leaving me. I followed, and took a look back to find a group still together, showing me what I was left from.

Ever since that dream I have never felt so needy of a relationship and wanting of company. Somehow all I have been thinking were similar feelings to Jonas about some boys. I knew I was gay but now I was wanting, just like Jonas said he was wanting Fiona so badly. I had never been so upset in my entire life. I was alone, and that dream had told me crystal clear.

At the end of the day I met up with Devon again. He told me that he understood my ways, and that it was my decision. However, he said something involving his religion, and it goes as follows: “Do not be of the world.” He was actually trying to say, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world.” He wanted to tell me to be on with god and not the culture of society. I understood now that he had just learned to follow his religion, and he really didn’t have a problem with me after thinking about it. After our talk he just said that it was hard to adjust because he never had a gay friend, and it was different. I told him that our lives really shouldn’t have changed because of the way I am. But at least we worked it out.

Later that day, when I came home from school, there was Chinese food on the table. I ate a plate of spare ribs and wantons and after that, I saw a fortune cookie. So of course I opened it up, and read the message: “A difference, to be a difference, must make a difference.” I thought about it, and realized that that was how Devon was feeling about this. I said it shouldn’t have made a difference in our friendship whether I was gay or not, but it does. THis is something very unusual to him and it is different, so it makes things different.

I now fully understand how Devon feels about this, and am glad that he is acting perfectly normal to this.


Today on the bus was a very interesting ride. I was sitting on the bus, head down, really into my music, when there was a tap on my shoulder. I took off my headphones to see Taylor with Mary looking at me. They apparently still didn’t understand. “So are you really…” Taylor said. “Yes.” “I don’t believe you.” “Why not?” “I just can’t imagine it. Brian said you weren’t really… that way.” This I was a little taken back by. “Wait… Brian?” Taylor nodded. This I would have to talk to Brian about later. “Well I am gay, so believe it.” She still couldn’t so I reached into my backpack to pull out a drawing of the gay love symbol. I showed it to both Taylor and Mary and they just stared. I then put it away, slipped on my Skullcrushers, and continued to listen to my music until we got to the school.

I was going to go eat breakfast, but I just wanted to check one thing. I went around the corner of the school and guess who I saw? Amanda! Along with Venus, Venus’ boyfriend, and our little buddy Josh, who is as cute as a button. I gave them all hugs and we went to go hang out. While there Amanda looked past me, then back to me and said, “Look behind you.” I turned to see Brian standing with a smile. “Brain!” I shouted, giving him a hug.

After I cam out from breakfast I wen to go see my friends. On the way though I saw them walking back. Apparently Josh had a bad breakfast and was going to throw up. We went inside and I followed Josh into the bathroom while he did it. His face was beat red when he looked up at me. He didn’t throw up too much but I could hear his gargling inside him. Gross. He didn’t vomit much but he spit up a bit. We ended up sending him to the nurses office and left him there.

While hanging with Amanda and Venus at our spot, my hat fell off. Amanda then proceeded to style my hair into an ’emo’ style, as she called it. To be honest, I kind of liked it, so I decided to keep it that way for the day, constantly swinging my head to the right to put it back in place.

The day started with Science and History, which weren’t too special. But Latin was a bit interesting. On the way there I was walking with friends Dan and Devon. Ont he way I told them I was gay, after Devon using the word to describe my hair, but I don’t think they believed me. They Just shrugged off the remark as if I was joking. We also played a game at the end of Latin class, and I was about to go up with a semi-friend of mine named Ben. We ended up not going up so I was joking around pretending to be all depressed and Ben was just like, “It’s okay.” And gave me a hug which was meant as a joke but it gave me that warm happy feeling inside. I never thought about it much but Ben is actually pretty cute.

In study period after that I sat at a table with the stereotypical “jackasses”. The only thing that got me was that they kept using the words ‘gay’ and ‘fag’ as insults. No matter how much I wanted to give them a piece of my mind, I just got up and left for the bathroom. While in there I went to the wall inside the stall and wrote, “What’s wrong with liking other boys?” I will see tomorrow if I got any responses.

At the end of lunch during the next period, I met up with Devon. He commented on my “gay hair” to which I asked him, “And what’s wrong with that?” He stared wide-eyed at me. “Wait… are you actually?” I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Yeah.” Devon was completely blown away by this. “Whoa! I thought you were kidding earlier!” I asked him again what was wrong with that. “Well, everything.” I was really pissed now. “What do you mean everything?” He ran off to which I followed him, almost screaming at him. I caught up with him back at the classrooms and he told me, “Dude, you’re not my friend anymore.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from him. I was ready to swing at his head for being so ignorant. But I just headed back into Maths and forgot about him.

At the end of the day me and Brian once again met up at the bus stop, me noticing his cute smile when he saw me, causing me to smile as well. We got on the bus where I finally asked him the question. “Taylor said to me that you don’t believe me.” Brian was confused. “You being what?” We were being discrete because there were people around. “You know damn well what.” Brain realized what I was talking about. “Oh. I just said that I would never be together with you.” It was a relief to hear that. We talked some more until I had to go. Before getting off the bus I gave Brian a sweet hug, which he unusually accepted.

I will really have to have a talk with Devon tomorrow. I don’t want to lose a friend and I don’t want him going through life being freaked out my gay people.


I woke up a little late this morning again. I think I have to stop staying up so late now. So I just quickly threw on an outfit and ran out the door.

When I got to the schoolyard, it was different. Neither Venus or Amanda were there. I went into breakfast and was greeted by Rita, and her friend Lily, who then joined me for breakfast. so I wasn’t alone after all. After breakfast I decided to look for Amanda and Venus. I went to their usual hangout, where I found nothing but ex-boyfriends of theirs. As I was walking back I got a text from Brian asking where I was. He then told me he was at the front door and I went to join him.

I went to Brian who was with Alex again where we talked and waited to go inside. He was wearing a funny shirt today, too which was like a funny flowchart that explains why homework causes global warming.

Today started with Latin which was a bit of a drag. Although my friend Dan saw me drawing the gay love symbol on my paper, but he didn’t know what it meant. I just said to him “If only you knew.”

Next was FACS class in which we were starting cooking. Unfortunately the teacher was gone today for the second time in a row so we just did worksheets, as if it were anything compared to cooking.

Science was again the highlight of my day. We had finished up our posters and were presenting them. I had made a new elephant and this time it looked a lot better. Not to mention I gave it a pair of sexy antlers. So me and Charles went up tot he front of the class where I explained our poster.

“So here we have our poster which is an elephant jumping off a high dive into a glass of water. Notice the elephants sexy antlers.” The class started to giggle. “Here at the top of the board he has 100% potential energy and grad—” “Wait.” My teacher said, interrupting me. “What’s with the ‘sexy antlers’?” I just plainly said, “They’re sexy antlers…” It then turned into a discussion over how necessary they were.

The next few presentations were good but I believe me and Charles stole the show. One person said after their presentation, “Mine was the best looking.” To which I quickly responded, “Well mine had the sexiest antlers.” She argued, “Elephants don’t have antlers!” as if it wasn’t obvious enough already. I would have snapped back but I figured it wasn’t worth arguing over. At the end of class me and Charles realized we didn’t put a title on our poster. So I quickly grabbed it and wrote down the most obvious title: “Sexy Antlers”. As I went up to the teacher to re-hand it in she said, “If it has the word ‘sexy’ in it I’ll throw it out.” I stopped and quickly scribbled out ‘sexy’ and made the title just “Antlers”.

In English we started reading The Giver. It’s about a fantasy of an ideal society. We only read a few pages but we got a little notice on it. In History we went over more Renaissance art to prepare for tomorrows test. At the end of class I walked up to my teach and said to him, “Sixteen and a half feet.” He knew what it meant and said with a smile, “Very good.”

As I was at the bus stop I realized I had been waiting there for a while for Brian and he hadn’t shown. I sent him a text message wondering where he was but he never replied. I shrugged, taking one last look for him coming to the stop, and getting on the next bus. Me in my unluckiness received a text after I got off the bus and was turning my street corner. It was from Brian. “I am now,” to which I replied, “Dammit, I would’ve waited. Whatever, see you tomorrow, love.”

I later had hockey, which was unusually fun. I haven’t been enjoying hockey as much as I used to, and I’m quitting when I move into high school. I didn’t like this team too much because we weren’t the best in the league and some of the players can be… asses. But lately I’ve been getting along pretty good with most of them, except of course for one person. There is always going to be that one guy who you can’t stand. His name is Dean, he’s always the one to point out my little mistakes. What does he know about being a goalie anyway?

But it was a pretty good time. I was just stopping shot left and right, and even decided to drop my stick and put my hands behind my back to give myself a good challenge. Didn’t work out too well though but I stopped one here and there. There was also this cute kid who I ended up alone in the locker room with. He’s been on my team for a while now but he’s really shy (which I find to be the cutest thing ;D) and doesn’t talk much. He actually talked for like the first time ever. I have really got a thing for the shy boys because I just fell in love with him there. When he was leaving I told him, “Wait. Can you smile for me.” He obeyed and gave me a sweet boyish smile to which I responded, “Aw you have a cute smile.” He giggled and left.

It was a pretty lonely day though. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


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