Myself


This blog is going to be taking an extended vacation for a litle while. With all that is going on at home now and school I can’t take this on at the moment. I will be back and if you would like to know when that will be, just hit the email subscribe button to the right and you will be notified when the blog is back up and running again. I’m sorry to all who read this blog for the inconvenience. Don’t worry, I’ll be back.

Love.

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A special thank you to all who encouraged me to finally tell my parents, and helped me obtain the courage i needed to say it to them! Hugs and Love to you all!

Well my boring school day isn’t important but I guess I have to describe the whole day. I came into the hangout as usual, yet this time greeted by a glomp, defined as a powerful hug that causes you to go a bit off balance, from Ian. We did our usual thing talking about current events in our lives and how our weekend went. I wasn’t thinking about anything except what was going to happen when I told my folks, though.

So it started with Math, semi-bore, then Latin, where I am starting to get irritated with Devon since he’s acting like I’m disgusting now and denies it too when it’s clear as day. Then was science, eh… Then gym, where we’re starting health class by talking about drugs and alcohol and the same noise they’ve been spewing at us since kindergarten. Next was lunch where I sat with Rita and Shaira, a nice break from the usual asses I sit with. Next was History, English, then Drama.

I had to stay after because I had to get some late work through with. At some point I think I had lost my mind because with the stress of Ian waiting along with what was about to occur, I had said something in which I immediately kicked myself. The teacher had said, “Oh, I am so tired I have to deal with all you kids!” Somehow I had just thought of her as a normal person, to which I responded, “Stop complaining.” And, oh, she shot me down cold. she had this long run-on sentence about my disrespect and that kind of noise and now I have a detention.

Now for the highlight of the day. Hooray! Ian had ended up waiting for me along with Shaira, too. So we took my route home, talking to each other about the good times in our lives (his arm around me). Then we walked into my house, and at this point I was ready to vomit. I walked up to my mom, after kicking my sister out of the room, and said, “Mom?” And nothing else. I was trying to get the words out. I tried to let Ian tell her but he didn’t. That wouldn’t have been a good thing though. I needed to tell her myself. She had started to get irritated which got me more frustrated. I kept trying to go through with this at the right angle. Then…

“I’m gay.” Oh, lord! I didn’t want it to just come out like that! “No you’re not!” was my mom’s first impression. Like this was a surprise. No one ever believes me. Makes sense, though, seeing as I don’t look, act, talk, or seem gay in any way. Boy I would’ve passed off as the perfect straight guy. After I insisted I wasn’t lying she was speechless. She just sent both me and Ian away as she called my father.

Me and Ian went outside where we sat on the bench on our porch. I felt like throwing up for good now. Ian tried to reassure me it was all going to be okay but I still had those worries. We just waited and talked until my mom said that my dad wanted to talk on the phone.

“Hey,” Dad began over the phone in a private room. “What’s going on?” I told him it was hard enough telling mom and I didn’t want to repeat it. “That’s fine. Look. I’m not mad. I don’t love you any less than I did ten minutes ago.” (Where have I heard that before?) ” I love you all the same. I just want to know why you would tell all your friends at school this and not us. Maybe it was a relief or something. I don’t know. But I don’t want you to be defined as what your sexuality is. I don’t want you to be ‘that gay guy’ or anything like that. And you can see how this can come off as a shock to your mother and I, right?” I agreed, also telling him how he’s handling it better than mom was. “Well that’s her then. But I don’t want it to seem like we care about you less.” We continued to talk about those things until mom came in the room wanting to talk to dad some more. He had suggested I send Ian home.

I went back out to Ian and told him what happened. He said that he hoped everything works out for me, and gave me a hug goodbye. From that point on I just sat on the porch thinking, trying not to throw up, and listening to The Cure.

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
’cause boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry


My mom later called me in to take my medicine (I’ve been on Azithromycin for my bronchitis I’ve had for a while now) and to talk to her about it.

She wasn’t happy about Ian being there so she couldn’t react correctly. The thing was I never ended up telling her about me and Ian seeing as she and my dad didn’t want me being in a relationship at my age. I would’ve told them but something didn’t let me. I probably would have if she asked but she would have never expected it, even though I told her Ian was bisexual.

She also said that she wasn’t crying about this because of me being gay, but that I chose to talk to my friends first before her and that I don’t really tell her much of anything these days. I really felt bad about it seeing as she felt so strongly about it, too.

Dad also came home to repeat our conversation over the phone in more depth and in person. He left my room at the end of it, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek saying, “I love you, son.”

Well now it’s over… Almost. My siblings still don’t know but  they will eventually. I just don’t think they’ll be as understanding as my parents were. Things I think are still cooling down between me and my parents but I hope it all works out in the end.

Love.

This deserves a whole new post.

I have been talking to Ian and Rita the whole night. We have officially decided to come out to our parents. Ian had sent an email to his mother saying everything. It also included a little bit about me. I thought that was sweet of him. Now it’s going to be my turn this Monday. Me and Ian are going to meet up after school and I am going to send my mom a text message seeing as talking is way too hard.

Wish me luck. I don’t know if dad is going to find out right away or if it will be a secret between me and mom. But either way I hope it all works out.

Love.

Today surely had an unexpected surprise. Definitely not how I had thought it would’ve happened. But we should start at the beginning. I started off with an awful hair day with me not being able to straighten it very well. I apparently used a different shampoo in the shower last night (I have to shower the night before because the mornings are far too busy for our family of 7) and that had made my hair frizzy and unable to be straightened.

The day at school started with me having to skip math in order to take the National Latin Exam. Cool name, huh? Cost me four bucks to take it. It went pretty well actually. I can’t remember exactly what happens if you do good enough on the test, but it probably won’t happen seeing as I guessed on a lot of the questions. It’s okay, there were a lot of cool people there.

We started cooking, FINALLY, in our FACS class today. We were making cookies to get back to the basics. It was ‘oodles’ of fun with me and one of my best friends Sam always trying to sneak our fingers in the mixing bowl and take a bit of dough. Before we put the flour in I must say the mixture looked like vomit. I’ll have to remember that one. We had a good time with the girls in our group always telling us to stop with the licking of the bowl. We didn’t get to bake them today but we will get to tomorrow.

Lunch is where it got interesting. Right when I sat down I got asked by this kid Andrew, (who is really big and tough. You wouldn’t want to get on his bad side) if I straightened my hair again. I said yes, like it was nothing. He then asked me, “So what are you, gay?” I figured it was about time they knew. “You know I should probably just tell you guys but yeah.” they all had their giggles and then my best friend Ricky asked, “Wait are you really?” I said yes again and then the conversation began. Andrew started by joking that I should leave, and of course Dickfer Doug was going to mock me. It was okay though since he seemed like a real ass being the only one making fun of me. Some of the questions were as followed:

Ricky: So do you feel offended when people call you gay?

Me: Actually it hurts a lot less than if it were a straight person seeing as I am gay and it only hurts as much as calling me a human being.

Frankie: Wait so you REALLY are gay?

Me: Yeah

*Frankie giggles after that but I know he’s not an ass. He’s just a tool for Doug which I kind of look down on.

Jayquon: I remember having a gay friend at my old school. Your totally cool with me because if I wasn’t me and my friend couldn’t be friends anymore and we’re really tight.

Andrew: Do your parents know?

Me: No. My mom I know will be cool with it if I do tell her but my did isn’t around too much for me to know if he will or not.

Andrew also said that he would have my back if I was getting any trouble from people which could be helpful when we go to Minuteman. I always thought that this was going to be that hardest thing for me to do, coming out to these friends. They all seemed like the kind of people who would shun me out from their lives for me being this way. But they actually understood and I thought it was really great of them to care.

Now word is spreading though because Ricky says Andrew is the blabbermouth type. I think he was right because word got to my buddy Mark and Ben from Latin class as far as I know. As long as he doesn’t tell this guy Tom in our grade. He’s the type that would try and use this to ruin my life because he’s just that kind of sick bastard who gets a kick out of other people’s misery. So as I was walking down the hall I passed Andrew and said to him, “Just don’t let Tom **** know.”

The hard part is over now. I can just cruise along.

Love.

I think I am turning into a completely new person. My attitude, my interests, my look. This morning after a hockey game (which we lost with an awful 6-0 score, against my hometown, too. I play for a different town than my own) I took a shower, and after my hair dried, I wanted to try something new. I went up to my sister, who just recently had her first hangover (at 16 too :O) and asked her for her hair straightener. I wanted my hair to be permanently parted to the left. So I turned it on and began to run it through my long dark brown hair. I was doing an awful job and wasn’t making any progress (not to mention burning my hand a few times) so I just asked my sister if she could help. She started by turning the straightener full power. I was getting a little worried because I think I saw smoke coming from the straightener or my hair, I didn’t know which. And after a few minutes we got my hair all straightened.

I brushed my bangs to the left and stuck a hat on. I absolutely loved my new hair. My mom called me and emo however but I didn’t really care. And when I thought about it, my hair looked damn sexy ;). I took a few pictures and posted them on Facebook. I then was commented by my friend Benjamin, who wasn’t too nice. But he shouldn’t have anything to say seeing how he doesn’t have the best haircut himself.

Not only is my hair different, but I have also started listening to metal music. My friend Chris introduced me to this band Paddock Park, a band who made one amazing album and broke up, and I absolutely fell in love with it. They made these songs which combine the brutality of metal with the cool sound of punk rock to make some of the best songs I ever heard.

Some Paddock Park:

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k291hQd-X3Q

Forgetting Alli Mae: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36ZZSnTKbdA

The Wall Between Us: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBLrVt_0Pyc

HopeyoudieXO: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXAYVHzwxOc

I am also developing something I’m not too proud of… I am starting to get really short with people. I mouth off constantly and am swearing like a sailor sometimes. I even broke down and wanted to cry once because I felt so bad about being so mean to people. I don’t want to be an ass. I have smart remarks for everything, I sometimes am in such a bad mood I am just heartless. It eats at me. I’m breaking down.

This post was pretty short. Nothing happens on the weekends anyways.

Love.

Today was a very well interesting day. Definitely a lot happened. The morning wasn’t too special, basically the usual deal. But right at the beginning of homeroom, while I was at my locker, I saw Devon. He saw me and said, “Hey I see both your eyes this time. Yes!” He then immediately went to a more serious question. “Wait so were you actually serious?” (Why is it so hard to believe me?) “Yes.” He was shocked and was telling em he really couldn’t believe that I was actually gay. “Why is it so wrong to you?” I kept asking him. He just never expected me to be this way, and said the he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. Really?

Then on our way to Latin he said that it was part of his religion to keep me away from him. To which I explained, “If you really are that religious, then you know that God created people. So then if he made me, then he made me gay.” He seemed to just forget this statement and continue to hate me.

Though it seems he’s not the only one Devon had disappointed today. Apparently he was supposed to dress up in a nice shirt and tie today, but Devon decided not to, so Dan would now stand out very well in a crowd. So me and him went the whole day mad at Devon. Dan was constantly yelling at him and I was trying to make him feel as guilty as possible. Dan was okay with my sexuality which I found to be incredibly nice of him. so now 2 out fo 3 guys I told are okay.

We then went to gym, where we continued basketball where I hung out again with Brian and Jacob/Sunshine. I am starting to get bored of Brian seeing as he and I will never be. And come to think of it, I think I may be interested in Sunshine. Whenever he looked at me while we were playing basketball, he always gave me a sweet smile. SO at the end of gym, I just decided to ask him, not afraid of the consequences. “So Jacob, can I ask you something? I just wanna know. do you like boys?” He seemed to giggle at this, and kept procrastinating to reply. I kept badgering him for an answer to which he finally said, “No.” However I didn’t give up hope because he dropped so many hints that he wasn’t telling the truth. He kept giggling, he waited so long to reply, and said it in such an unsure and embarrassed tone that would’ve made any courtroom roll their eyes.

The rest of the day just flew by but English class was something. We continued to read The Giver and today we read an interesting section. It read about the main character, Jonas, having a dream about his crush on a girl. It described him at the House of the Old, which was a retirement home for the elderly. Him and the girl, Fiona, were there alone. There was one bath. Jonas wanted Fiona to get in the bath, saying he even wanted her to take her clothes off and let him scrub her (Be mature). It was described as ‘Stirrings’.

It got me thinking of when I got these ‘Stirrings’ for the first time. It made me realize when I truly liked guys and was very lonely. It was actually not too long ago I had this dream. It was me in this cold and dark room. The room had a black floor with a black ceiling, and white painted walls. Blank. There was a crowd of kids around my age. Everyone was dressed in black with white pants. We were looking around and there was this voice on a  loudspeaker. He said, “Do whatever you want.” Everyone looked around to find a partner, and there was this one kid. He had black wavy hair and a very cute face. About as tall as me and with a blank expression on his face. He had to be one of the cutest guys I had ever seen. Yet it was strange that of all the people in my dream, there were no familiar faces. So, he had me be his partner and I agreed. Apparently “whatever you want” meant to hit it off. But then after the words were said, everyone just walked away. All gone. Leaving me. I followed, and took a look back to find a group still together, showing me what I was left from.

Ever since that dream I have never felt so needy of a relationship and wanting of company. Somehow all I have been thinking were similar feelings to Jonas about some boys. I knew I was gay but now I was wanting, just like Jonas said he was wanting Fiona so badly. I had never been so upset in my entire life. I was alone, and that dream had told me crystal clear.

At the end of the day I met up with Devon again. He told me that he understood my ways, and that it was my decision. However, he said something involving his religion, and it goes as follows: “Do not be of the world.” He was actually trying to say, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world.” He wanted to tell me to be on with god and not the culture of society. I understood now that he had just learned to follow his religion, and he really didn’t have a problem with me after thinking about it. After our talk he just said that it was hard to adjust because he never had a gay friend, and it was different. I told him that our lives really shouldn’t have changed because of the way I am. But at least we worked it out.

Later that day, when I came home from school, there was Chinese food on the table. I ate a plate of spare ribs and wantons and after that, I saw a fortune cookie. So of course I opened it up, and read the message: “A difference, to be a difference, must make a difference.” I thought about it, and realized that that was how Devon was feeling about this. I said it shouldn’t have made a difference in our friendship whether I was gay or not, but it does. THis is something very unusual to him and it is different, so it makes things different.

I now fully understand how Devon feels about this, and am glad that he is acting perfectly normal to this.

Love.

I woke up a little late this morning again. I think I have to stop staying up so late now. So I just quickly threw on an outfit and ran out the door.

When I got to the schoolyard, it was different. Neither Venus or Amanda were there. I went into breakfast and was greeted by Rita, and her friend Lily, who then joined me for breakfast. so I wasn’t alone after all. After breakfast I decided to look for Amanda and Venus. I went to their usual hangout, where I found nothing but ex-boyfriends of theirs. As I was walking back I got a text from Brian asking where I was. He then told me he was at the front door and I went to join him.

I went to Brian who was with Alex again where we talked and waited to go inside. He was wearing a funny shirt today, too which was like a funny flowchart that explains why homework causes global warming.

Today started with Latin which was a bit of a drag. Although my friend Dan saw me drawing the gay love symbol on my paper, but he didn’t know what it meant. I just said to him “If only you knew.”

Next was FACS class in which we were starting cooking. Unfortunately the teacher was gone today for the second time in a row so we just did worksheets, as if it were anything compared to cooking.

Science was again the highlight of my day. We had finished up our posters and were presenting them. I had made a new elephant and this time it looked a lot better. Not to mention I gave it a pair of sexy antlers. So me and Charles went up tot he front of the class where I explained our poster.

“So here we have our poster which is an elephant jumping off a high dive into a glass of water. Notice the elephants sexy antlers.” The class started to giggle. “Here at the top of the board he has 100% potential energy and grad—” “Wait.” My teacher said, interrupting me. “What’s with the ‘sexy antlers’?” I just plainly said, “They’re sexy antlers…” It then turned into a discussion over how necessary they were.

The next few presentations were good but I believe me and Charles stole the show. One person said after their presentation, “Mine was the best looking.” To which I quickly responded, “Well mine had the sexiest antlers.” She argued, “Elephants don’t have antlers!” as if it wasn’t obvious enough already. I would have snapped back but I figured it wasn’t worth arguing over. At the end of class me and Charles realized we didn’t put a title on our poster. So I quickly grabbed it and wrote down the most obvious title: “Sexy Antlers”. As I went up to the teacher to re-hand it in she said, “If it has the word ‘sexy’ in it I’ll throw it out.” I stopped and quickly scribbled out ‘sexy’ and made the title just “Antlers”.

In English we started reading The Giver. It’s about a fantasy of an ideal society. We only read a few pages but we got a little notice on it. In History we went over more Renaissance art to prepare for tomorrows test. At the end of class I walked up to my teach and said to him, “Sixteen and a half feet.” He knew what it meant and said with a smile, “Very good.”

As I was at the bus stop I realized I had been waiting there for a while for Brian and he hadn’t shown. I sent him a text message wondering where he was but he never replied. I shrugged, taking one last look for him coming to the stop, and getting on the next bus. Me in my unluckiness received a text after I got off the bus and was turning my street corner. It was from Brian. “I am now,” to which I replied, “Dammit, I would’ve waited. Whatever, see you tomorrow, love.”

I later had hockey, which was unusually fun. I haven’t been enjoying hockey as much as I used to, and I’m quitting when I move into high school. I didn’t like this team too much because we weren’t the best in the league and some of the players can be… asses. But lately I’ve been getting along pretty good with most of them, except of course for one person. There is always going to be that one guy who you can’t stand. His name is Dean, he’s always the one to point out my little mistakes. What does he know about being a goalie anyway?

But it was a pretty good time. I was just stopping shot left and right, and even decided to drop my stick and put my hands behind my back to give myself a good challenge. Didn’t work out too well though but I stopped one here and there. There was also this cute kid who I ended up alone in the locker room with. He’s been on my team for a while now but he’s really shy (which I find to be the cutest thing ;D) and doesn’t talk much. He actually talked for like the first time ever. I have really got a thing for the shy boys because I just fell in love with him there. When he was leaving I told him, “Wait. Can you smile for me.” He obeyed and gave me a sweet boyish smile to which I responded, “Aw you have a cute smile.” He giggled and left.

It was a pretty lonely day though. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Love.

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